Estate Planning Interview with Mark Bosler of the Bosler Law Office

FSN Funeral Homes understands the apprehension many people have when it comes to planning their estate and the need to involve a professional estate planner. So, we reached out to an authority in the estate planning industry – Bosler Law Office.  Mark Bosler was able to answer many of our estate planning questions. We hope this interview answers many of the questions you might have on estate planning and how to select a professional estate planner.

FSN Funeral Homes: First off, a lot of personal details go into estate planning and people want someone who is trusted and understanding. What should they look for when selecting a professional estate planner?

Mark Bosler: Clients should choose a professional estate planner for several reasons, including experience, expertise, and a genuine desire to help them understand the process and plan for the future.

FSN Funeral Homes: If someone was considering your firm for their estate planning needs, what do you have to offer that would make them choose Bosler Law Office?

Mark Bosler: With over 20 years of experience in working with clients to draft appropriate estate planning documents, we have worked with hundreds of clients and encountered many situations from which they may draw upon to provide comprehensive and effective estate planning and administration services for our ever-growing client base. With personalized assistance and attention to detail, we seek to provide each and everyone of our clients with vigorous goal-oriented advise and representation. We look forward to working with new clients every day to serve their needs so that they may look with confidence to the future.

FSN Funeral Homes: So you provide an in-depth evaluation of their individual needs and situation because estate planning isn’t something that can be done with a cookie-cutter approach. Since this is a very personal and situational endeavour, how should an estate planner assist their clients with the planning process?

Mark Bosler: First off, estate planning has to do with educating and advising clients on the practice and procedure of estate administration, and the legal documents necessary to carry out an effective plan. We assist our clients by educating and informing him or her on factors which could or would affect their person and estate going into the future, whether it be the need for treatment or medical care, retirement benefits and financial planning, relationships, taxes, estate distribution and other factors. Once we have identified and prioritized those factors which are of specific concern to our client, we will proceed to formulate a plan which will address those factors.

FSN Funeral Homes: So, estate planning is more than just giving your possessions away to friends or family. It is really about making sure that every aspects of your life is in order with a planned goal and priority in order to save your grieving family from the stress of it. That can be a very tall task. How do you actually take your clients throughout the planning process?

Mark Bosler: We start the process by reviewing our client’s current financial situation and relationships, determining and prioritizing their objectives, and presenting them with the tools and information needed to make decisions and implement their goals and objectives.

FSN Funeral Homes: Because every individual’s situation is different, the type of estate plan can run from a very basic nature to a more robust one. What is involved in a basic estate plan and how do you know if a more robust estate plan is needed?

Mark Bosler: A basic estate plan should include the preparation of a will that would direct the distribution of your estate and appoint necessary fiduciaries to administer that estate, a living will which would state or summarize your preferences regarding life support treatment, a Patient Advocate Designation and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care with medical directives, and a General Durable Power of Attorney to allow estate administration upon disability. A more sophisticated estate plan may include Living Trusts, Testamentary trusts, Irrevocable Trusts, and other documents based upon the Client’s needs and objectives.

There are many details that go into estate planning. Therefore, you want a law office who will assist you and take care of you in every way possible, just like Bosler Law Office. Having someone who will walk you through the process with great ease and understanding is always essential.

FSN Funeral Homes thanks Mark Bosler of the Bosler Law Office in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan for all the great information about estate planning.

The key takeaways here are:

1. Estate planning is very important and very personalized.
2. What you need to plan your estate and how robust your estate plan needs to be is determined by your individual needs.
3. Some parts of estate planning deal with issues and situations that occur prior to your death.
4. Finding an estate planner that is knowledgeable and experienced in crucial.
5. Communication and good information are very important when working with an estate planner. (To communicate more effectively with your estate planner review the Glossary of Estate and Probate Terminology provided by FSN Funeral Homes and fill out the Estate Planning Checklist to take with you.)

Hopefully with this information, estate planning won’t seem so overwhelming.

If you or a loved one has decided on cremation, there are few things you’ll need to consider when planning what to do with the cremains (ashes). You have two choices: keep the cremains or dispose of the ashes through burial or by scattering them. Either choice comes with its own set of rules, regulations and laws governed by federal and state agencies.

EPA and Cremains

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is the federal agency that oversees the federal rules on cremation remains disposal, including the laws concerning federal lands and federal jurisdictions. Individual states each have their own rules and regulations, but can, and often do use the rules the EPA has set as guidelines.

The only federal rules that are generally enforced are ones regarding scattering of cremains at sea and by air. Scattering at sea falls under the Clean Water Act. Scattering by air falls under individual state rules and regulations. However, federal aviation laws (FAR91.15) state that a pilot can’t drop objects that can cause hazard to persons or property. The U.S. Government does not list cremains as hazardous material.

Cremains (Ashes) Disposal at Sea

If the dispersal plan includes a scattering ashes at any of the following: sea, lake, pond or stream, you need to follow the requirements of both federal and state agencies.

Don’t be alarmed, federal and state governments don’t have stringent policies concerning cremation burials. Nevertheless, they do have a few rules and permits.

According to the EPA under the Clean Water Act, cremated remains must be scattered at least 3 nautical miles from land, by boat or by air. Containers such as urns, vases or cremation boxes must be disposed of separately if they are not made of readily decomposing material. The EPA does not allow for cremains to be scattered at beaches or in wading pools by the sea.

Although these rules are very straight forward and the permits are easy to obtain, it is a good idea to consult with the local funeral home or cremation services company handling the cremation. Equipped with the knowledge of the specific, cremation disposal requirements in your area, these professionals can provide the permits or complete the necessary paperwork needed to scatter the ashes at sea or other bodies of water.

For more information concerning the EPA guidelines visit EPA’s Burial of Human Remains at Sea page.

Notifying Governmental Agencies

A notification to the EPA should be done within 30 days of a burial or scattering of ashes at sea. (To notify the EPA fill out the EPA Burial at Sea form and submit it to the EPA by postal mail or email.)

Each state is responsible for their own lakes and water ways. You will need to check with the state to ensure you are following their rules and guidelines for cremated remain disposal and notification. Some states will require you to fill out notification forms if the cremains are by burial at sea or by air. Contact your individual state agencies to obtain the notification forms.

Whether you choose to scatter your loved one’s ashes across the sea, through the air or on your own private property, make sure you have obtained information on the rules and regulation that govern your area before hand.

Ask: Will Your Child Understand?

It’s likely your child has never attended a funeral before, and therefore cannot fully understand what’s going on. Talk to your child about funerals and funeral traditions; if they are unwilling or unable to understand, it may be best to find other arrangements or alternatives for them.  Here are a few tips for talking to your child about funerals:

• Explain to your child prior to attending exactly what to expect and how they should act.
• Be sure they understand they have to be quiet and respectful during the event.
• If they are going through the questioning phase, make sure they know they can ask them after the funeral.

Be sure you’re ready to talk to your child about the following:

• Death
• Forever
• God
• Heaven
• Staying healthy

Think About The Family

If you still aren’t sure about your child attending a funeral, ask someone close to the family to see if it would be appropriate. There are also many precautions you can take to keep your child quiet and still during the funeral. It’s important to whatever it takes to keep your child from being a nuisance and detraction to the mourning family.

Funeral Precautions For Children

• Be sure to sit by the door, just in case your child becomes unruly.
• Bring quiet things to do to keep your child entertained, such as a toy or coloring book.
• Make sure your child’s full and awake. A hungry or sleepy child is much more prone to be cranky.
• Give consequences. Let your child know exactly what will happen if they do act up.
• Give rewards. Let your child know exactly what he can expect if he does stay quiet during the funeral.

Funeral Alternatives for Children

If you determine your child is not ready to attend a funeral, think of alternatives that may be more appropriate, especially if the deceased was close to the child.

• Attend the wake or visitation instead. These tend to be more casual than the actual funeral.
• Help your child bake cookies or some other food gift to give to the family.
• Help your child create a card or other special gift they can give to the family.
• If your child was close to the deceased, help your child write a goodbye letter.
• Let your child choose their favorite funeral flowers to send to the family.

Importance of Funerals To Children

While funerals are a somber occasion, there is much for kids to learn about family, life and traditions. It’s good for children to see how important funerals are to our culture. When a loved one passes away, all family and friends stop their lives to celebrate the life and mourn the passing. Always remind your child that, although everyone may be in tears, funerals are always full of love.

Consider Their Unique Personality Traits

When planning to personalize your loved ones funeral, think back to the fond memories you shared with them. Think about their stand-out qualities, and what other people saw in them. Also, consider their likes, hobbies, dislikes, achievements and passions.

Personalizing The Funeral Ceremony

Once you have thought about what that person meant to others and took into consideration their passions and likes, get together with other family members and come up with a creative way to incorporate these elements into the ceremony.

Personalize the visitation, eulogy, music, readings, procession, committal service, the gathering or reception. Each can be personalized in different and many ways. For the visitation, display photos, memorabilia, collections of their work or their achievements for a personalized effect. Choose music that is meaningful to that person, poetry and readings that describe that person’s life,
or even have the procession vehicle catered towards their hobbies or interest.

Ask people that were closest to that person to give readings, play music or be a pallbearer; however they feel they can contribute. A great way especially to personalize the ceremony is during the speech. This is the time that they can talk about all of their great qualities and passions.

Tips For Personalizing A Loved One’s Funeral:

• Write a personalized obituary.
• Let guests write down the fond memories they shared with that person in a guest book.
• Display personal items.
• Have more than one person deliver the eulogy. Several close family members and friends have different memories, therefore, making it more personalized.
• Choose clothing for the person who died that reflects them.
• Create a personalized memorial for the ceremony that includes photos, poems, or whatever they like.
• Show a video or slide show of the person’s life during the funeral.
• Select flowers that were meaningful to the person.
• Use music that was meaningful to the person.
• Create a personalized grave marker.

Preparing To Clean Your Stone Headstone or Monument

• First of all, you must acquire permission from the lot owner or next-of-kin, if that is not you. Talk to the cemetery caretakers to find out about routine cleanings they might already do.
• Inspect the monument for any flaws, such as cracks, flaking or any sign of deterioration. This may be more present in concrete or limestone monuments. DO NOT clean a wooden headstone.

Cleaning Supplies 

• Ample supply of natural or distilled water.
• Soft, white-bristle brush.
• Toothbrush.
• DO NOT use natural bristles when cleaning your monument, this can encourage organic growth.
• DO NOT use wire bristles or any other metal instrument to clean your monument.
• If your headstone is very dirty, use ONLY non-ionic cleaners.
• DO NOT use household cleaners, including bar soap, borax, vinegar or bleach.
• DO NOT use pressure washers.
• DO NOT use sealants of any kind.
• DO NOT use shaving cream. (Once a popular cleaner, now shown to be harmful to the materials used.)

Granite is the strongest of monument materials, followed by marble. These two monument materials can be scrubbed a bit more aggressively than say, limestone or sandstone. For these types of softer materials, use extra care to keep from sanding off layers, which will encourage eroding.

Tips for Cleaning Your Headstone or Monument

• Wet the headstone completely before beginning the cleaning process.
• Work from the bottom up. You do not want stains and water building up on the bottom while you clean the upper section.
• Use LOTS of water. Be sure to rinse off any cleaners used thoroughly.
• Do not attempt to remove deep-set stains which remain after cleaning.
• Report any damage, no matter how slight, to the cemetery caretaker or owner.

These tips are for care and preservation of modern monuments. For very old headstones or monuments in bad conditions, contact an expert for the exact care procedures.

FAQ : Funeral Planning

 What do I need to know about funeral planning?

There are a few basics you should always keep in mind when planning a funeral.

• Be informed and ask questions.
• Go over all options available at several funeral homes, making sure the funeral home you chose is suitable for your personal needs and budget.
• Request an itemized price list.
• Make the arrangements for a personalized service to honor your loved one.

Who do I need to contact first when pre-planning a funeral?

• When pre-planning a funeral you can call the funeral home directly and work with the funeral director there, or you can contact an Estate Planning attorney.

How much does an average funeral cost?

• The average funeral in today’s time is somewhere between $6,000 – $8,000.  This estimated price includes, all services provided by the funeral home, casket/urn, burial and cemetery arrangements.

Do you have to buy all the funeral merchandise (caskets and urns) from the funeral home providing your services?

• No. Most funeral homes carry a selection of caskets and urns that are available for immediate use, however, there are usually cheaper or more elaborate options available that funeral homes can easily access within a 24 hour notice. The key is to ask. Ask as many questions as necessary, to make you feel comfortable with the decisions you are about to make.

More over, you don’t necessarily have to buy the casket or urn from the funeral home providing your service. Third-party dealers sell reduced cost caskets and urns over the internet, funeral supply stores and even bulk stores such as Costco and Sam’s Club. Legally, the funeral home has to accept the casket or urn purchased outside of their business without any fees.

Will funeral homes give me prices over the phone?

•  Yes. There is a law known as The Funeral Rule that requires all funeral homes to give itemized prices in person, or if you wish, over the phone. This allows you to compare prices and services offered by several funeral homes to better plan a service suitable for your situation.

Should I include funeral costs and plans in my will?

• No. Often times, personal wills aren’t accessible until weeks or months following death. People commonly leave funeral directions with their executor of their estate or attorney as well as sending a copy to loved ones.

What is a funeral director?

•  Funeral directors are trained professionals, the administrators of the funeral home. They will walk you through the entire funeral planning process. By making arrangements for transportation, completing any necessary paperwork, and implementing choices made by the family about the funeral and burial or cremation.

What is a eulogy?

• A eulogyis a tribute to the loved one who has passed. It is a heartfelt goodbye to honor and celebrate the life of your loved one. A eulogy is usually read during the funeral or memorial service by someone close to the deceased.  

How much input does the family have when it comes to arranging the specifics?

• The family is often the main source for personalizing a funeral service. Between the location, timing, service style, public or private services and the personal touches that make the service special the family members are the ones who primarily make the decisions.

We have family coming from out-of-town, how long do we have to plan the funeral?

• It really depends on your religious background when it comes to the time allowed before burial. However, the average time between the death and burial is 6-7 days. If more time is needed, it is often allowed, but it depends on the situation. If the deceased is cremated, the time between cremation and the burial or disbursment of ashes can be as long as you need it.

If a loved one dies out-of-state, can the local funeral home still help with the arrangements?

• Yes. They will coördinate and arrange transportation to and from one state to another. They will assume responsibility for the funeral services and be able to provide all the information needed.

There are three categories of funeral providers to choose from.

• Full Service Providers
• Specialized Service Providers
• Limited Service Providers

Full-Service Funeral Providers

Full service providers offer the most options and services when it comes to funeral planning. They can fulfill any service request at any time. The services available are:

1. Facilities for people to gather in for visitations and ceremonies.
2. Vehicles such as a hearse and limousines for funeral processions.
3. A large range of caskets, urns and other funeral service merchandise.

Keep in mind – that when using Full Service funeral home they often don’t offer simplified services with the same attention to detail as they would for a more elaborate full service ceremony.

 Specialized Service Providers

Specialized service providers offer similar service options as the full service funeral homes do but on a more limited basis. The services are:

1. Facilities for people to gather in for visitations. Typically they are smaller than the full-service providers buildings – and only have one or two rooms for services and ceremonies.
2. Vehicles may or may not be provided, and hours of operation may be shorter.
3. Small range of funeral merchandise, including caskets and urns. They are typically in a building similar to doctors office in appearance.

Limited Service Providers

Limited service providers usually arrange direct cremation and burials without ceremonies.

1. The services they offer are usually limited when it comes to completion of documentation and transferring the deceased to the crematory or cemetery.
2. Merchandise choice is very limited.

Make sure that the services and merchandise they offer are adequate for your situation. They are often very limited and precise when it comes to providing funeral services, however they are often the least expensive option.

Keep in mind…

• When ‘shopping’ for a funeral home provider, take care to go over all the details before signing any contracts. You can use the Funeral Home Comparison Checklist to help you when planning a funeral, by comparing prices and services offered at the funeral homes in your area.

Once you have chosen the funeral home to coordinate and provide your services, you will sit down with a funeral director to start planning and arranging the funeral. The whole situation is a bit intimidating if you are not sure of what to expect and how to express your concerns. By educating yourself about funeral and cemetery terminology as well as the means needed for pre-planning a funeral ahead of time, you will feel more comfortable when making the arrangements.

• Yes. Calling to ask what help is needed is a great way to show sympathy to your friend. Necessary help isn’t always available when it is needed. Visits to the home are usually welcomed if you are close to the bereaved. Call first to inform them of your visit.

Is there anything I can say to ‘Make it better’?

• Grief is a very painful and emotionally draining experience. Words cannot make it better. It is best to help the grieving with support, love and sympathy.

I wasn’t able to go to the funeral or respond right away, is it too late to offer my condolences?

• It is never too late to share your sympathy. Often, the time after the funeral service is filled with family and friends offering sympathy and love, but as time goes on, the help dwindles. It is never to late to show that you care.

When will my friend get over the grief and go back to her old self?

• Grief doesn’t have a time line. It is a process that can last years, with ups and downs. It is normal for the grieved to go through stages of fear, shock, pain, anger, guilt, denial, loneliness acceptance and finally recovery. But it takes time and patience. As a friend, the most important thing you can do is be there for them, through their ups and downs.

I feel uncomfortable around my grieving friend. I am trying not to avoid her, but sometimes I feel it’s best. What should I do?

• Avoiding your friend only adds to their pain. And, can make them feel even worse. Don’t pity your friend, treat them like you normally do. If you can’t find the right words, be open about it and tell them honestly. Sharing a coffee break or a lunch will be a good way to sit and talk about everything.  Once everything is out in the open, your feelings will be easier to express.

It has been a while and my friend is still not back to normal. What can I do to help?

• Support. Support. Support. Grieving can be very lonely. Offer support groups in the area, ask others you know to help with support and friendship. Watch for signs of depression. If you think your friend needs counseling, offer help in finding the right professional help for them.

My friend has been labeled as having unresolved grief. What does that mean?

• Unresolved grief is a situation when a grieving person is unable to move through the stages of grief, when they are ‘stuck’ in the process and will not accept their loss. They lose all sight and sense of joy and a future.

The grieving process typically takes up to three years before the grieving person takes their lives back into their own hands and accepts their loss. Prolonged grief for several more years indicates unresolved grief calling for professional help.

The Do’s and Don’ts when dealing with grief

• Do Listen to your friend. No matter how long they talk or repeat themselves, just listen.
• Do allow your friend to grieve and accept that the process is long and emotionally draining.
• Do show that you care.
• Do offer prayers and emotional help.
• Do be yourself around your friend.
• Do be patient.
• Do allow anger – Your friend might go through a  phase of anger, be patient and remember that they aren’t angry at you.
• Do watch for signs of depression.
• Do visit and call often.
• Don’t avoid contact with your friend.
• Don’t pity your friend.
• Don’t repeat gossip or talk behind your friends back.
• Don’t try to fix things with words.
• Don’t pry for details about their loss.
• Don’t tell your friend that it happens all the time and you know how they feel.
• Don’t encourage a drastic change immediately, to get their mind off of the situation. Grief has to be acknowledged.

Something you should know:

You are the one who determines the cost of the funeral services that will be held for you or your family members. The details of the services are guided and determined by your needs, and budget. But, not all funeral homes are created equal, they come in different sizes, styles and have different specialties. It is a wise idea to ‘shop’ around before deciding which funeral home to work with. Below is a checklist that will aid you in covering all the cost aspects associated with planning a funeral.

Funeral Home Comparison Checklist

Make copies of this checklist to compare the prices of services offered at funeral homes in your area.

Name of Funeral Home____________________________________________

Name of Crematory_______________________________________________

Name of Cemetery________________________________________________

Notes on Business Reputation_____________________________________

________________________________________________________________

Immediate burial:                                 $_________

Immediate cremation:                          $_________

Donation of body to a medical
school or hospital:                                $_________

Full Service Burial/Cremation

Basic fees for funeral director/
staff:                                                           $_________

Pick up of body:                                         $_________

Embalming:                                               $_________

Extra fees for body
preparation:                                               $_________

Caskets

Most Expensive Options

Highest priced wood casket:           $_________
Make and Model #___________________________________________

Highest priced metal casket:           $_________
Make and Model #___________________________________________

Highest priced fiberglass casket:   $_________
Make and Model #___________________________________________

Least Expensive Options

Lowest priced wood casket:           $_________
Make and Model #___________________________________________

Lowest priced metal casket:          $_________
Make and Model # ___________________________________________

Lowest priced fiberglass casket:   $_________
Make and Model #___________________________________________

Rental Casket Options

Highest priced rental casket:        $_________

Lowest priced rental casket:         $_________

Cremation Containers

Highest priced container:             $_________

Lowest priced container:              $_________

Notes: ___________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Vaults and Grave Liners

Vault price:                                        $_________
Description and model #______________________________________

Grave Liner price:                             $_________
Description and model #______________________________________

Transportation

Hearse Options:                               $_________ – $__________

Limousine Options:                          $_________ – $__________

Notes: ____________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

Services and Fees

Visitation staff and facilities:   $__________

Funeral & Memorial services: $__________

Graveside service – All fees
included:                                $__________

Other Services:

Forwarding body to another
funeral home:                                $__________

Receiving body from another
funeral home:                                $__________

Total based on the highest priced services and equipment: $_______________

Total based on the lowest priced services and equipment:   $_______________

Cemetery/Mausoleum

Lot or Crypt:                               $___________

Opening and closing the
grave or crypt:                            $___________

Marker/ Monument:                    $___________

Ongoing Care of lot/crypt:          $___________

Over all total: $_________________

Notes:__________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Questions to ask:

• How long has the funeral home been in business?
• What is the funeral home’s reputation in town?
• Do they offer you a contract with details of the goods and services they offer you?
• Does the funeral home have accommodations for your spiritual and religious views and traditions?
• If the funeral home in a convenient location?
• Is the staff helpful and caring?
• Do you feel comfortable with the funeral director?

 Additional Notes:__________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

Judaism

Funeral Preparation

Dating back to Biblical times, earth burials have become the most commonly practiced burials in traditional Judaism. A Viewing of the deceased is not a custom that Judaism allows. It is thought that looking at person who cannot look back is disrespectful, which is why most Jewish funerals are closed casket services. Unless local laws require embalming, it is often avoided. A simple wood casket made from pine or walnut wood containing no metal is used to carry out the earth burial.

A purification of the deceased body is done by The Chevra Kadisha. This is a sacred society made up of a group of men and women who perform the ritual of cleansing and preparing the body for burial. A white gown with no pockets or decorations, called a Tachrichim, is worn for burial. It symbolizes that when mortals leave this world they take nothing with them, and judgment from God is based on merits and good deeds, not materialistic belongings.

Mourners

In Judaism a mourner is considered to be Kaddish related. This means that the mourners are obligated to observe and conduct the rites of mourning. Parents, spouses, siblings and children of the deceased are considered mourners and it is their responsibility to make sure that proper Jewish funeral rites are carried out.

The Service

Traditional Jewish funerals take place in a temple, synagogue or graveside. Funeral guests dress conservatively. Men wear a head covering called a kippah or yarmulke, and most often a suite and tie. Women are not required to wear head coverings, however, they do not wear short sleeves, short skirts or open toed shoes.

You will notice that most Jewish funerals will not have many flower arrangements other than one or two small casket tributes. Most Jewish funerals ask that a charitable donation be made instead of sending flowers.
Family members (mourners) will more than likely be in a waiting room or in a vehicle prior to the service. This is because it is disrespectful to talk to the mourners before the burial. No condolences are to be offered until after the service is over.

Traditional Jewish services usually last about 20 minutes and consist of several Scripture readings, Psalms, prayers and a eulogy. The Rabbi will lead the congregation through the service beginning with the cutting of a black ribbon. Participation is encouraged throughout the prayers.

Prior to or after the service the mourners perform the ritual K’riah. It is an ancient custom, traditionally tearing garments, but has now evolved into attaching a black ribbon to the outside of the clothing worn by the mourners. A special prayer is said during the cutting of the ribbon: ‘Dayan Ha’emet‘ meaning ‘Blessed is the judge of truth’.

• The ribbon is worn on the left side if they are mourning a parent.
• It is worn on the right side for all other Kaddish relatives.
• The ribbons are traditionally worn for 7 days. However, the mourners of a parent wear it for 30 days.

Burial

Chairs surround the burial site for the mourners to sit. Friends and family will stand or sit surrounding the family during the burial. Prayers are said along with Chesed Shel Emet which is considered the greatest act of kindness to the departed. Where mourners and guests take part in the burial by placing a handful or shovel full of dirt or rocks in the grave.

A Shura is then formed by the guests at the service. It is a double line facing each other forming a pathway for the mourners to pass through and receive words of condolences. This will be the first time that mourners will receive any comforting words from guests at the service. A traditional expression often said to the family during the Shura is “‘Ha-Makom yenahem etkhem b’tokh sha ar aveilei Tzion v Yerushalayim’ meaning ‘May the Omnipresent comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem’.

• Washing your hands when leaving the cemetery is customary in the Judaism. You may do this at home or before you enter the Shiva home.

Shiva Home

Following Jewish tradition a Shiva is held at the home of the mourners. This is one of the most meaningful traditions in the Jewish faith. The community will offer a meal for the mourners at their home. Family and guests will attend to console and express sympathy to the family.

• The Shiva is a seven-day period for mourning beginning the day of burial. Mourners will stay home during this time. The only time a mourner will leave home is on Shabbat to attend a service in the Synagogue. Everyday during the seven days there will be three prayer services at the home when the mourners will recite the Kaddish prayer.

During the seven days of Shiva it is appropriate to visit the home of the bereaved. You may notice that mirrors are covered, candles are lit, men are unshaven and women are not wearing makeup. This is a tradition that symbolizes the great disruption the death has brought to the family.